By Heather Long Vandevoorde
My family helped organize a recent international figure skating competition here in Abu Dhabi. Hubby headed up the photography, I organized the volunteers and my two daughters, Lolita, 11 and Jania, 10, were flower girls assigned to pick up flowers and teddy bears from the ice after each skater performed. From a distance, they had the easiest jobs. Yet up close it was not so. I realized this when the Australian coach came up to me and declared that she had stopped a brawl between them as they couldn’t agree on who’s turn it was and the screaming was distracting the competitors. My humiliation is now multi-national.
Yes, we are square in the middle of adolescent sibling rivalry. It is unnerving, embarrassing and makes my blood boil some days. But magic happens, too. Recently Jania struggled with the decision to cut her long, blond hair in a short style. For her it was a huge decision, as her long hair had become part of her identity. Lolita stood beside her in the salon, holding her hand, and supported her through the process. When the cut was complete, they hugged and shared genuine joy at the new look of Jania’s hair. I cried tears of pride watching them. The calm times when they work together recharge my patience for yet another round.
Siblings annoy each other to no limits. But ask them if they would prefer to be an only child and not too many would trade. There is something reassuring about experiencing life with someone beside you who has to be there (because mom and dad are paying for them, too!) and who won’t just float off as friends so often do.
Lately, with the sting of multi-national humiliation still fresh in my mind, I read some articles on how to parent during periods of intense sibling rivalry. Kidshealth.org was particularly helpful with some do’s and don’ts:
- Don’t interfere every time. Step back and let the episode run its course. If you step in every time, you will lose credibility and respect.
- Do step in if it becomes physically violent or excessively overheated.
- Don’t focus on which child is to blame. It takes two to tango and you should not play favorites.
- Do separate the kids to calm them down. This can dissipate the dispute so it fizzles to nothing in just a few minutes.
- Don’t allow name-calling or the use of bad words. Teach kids fair-fighting, a valuable life lesson.
- Do let their sibling rivalry teach them negotiation and communication skills. If they are going to fight, they might as well gain from it.
As I watched two siblings screaming at each other during a desert safari the other night, I was of course grateful it was not my two for a change, but also reminded that this is a normal rite of passage for kids in multi-child homes. It relaxed me somewhat to know I am not alone. Virtually every parent deals with this at some point. Even the Australian coach, herself the mother of five now-adult children, said she is surprised all of her kids are healthy (and that she herself still has hair) after some of the spats they had growing up. The parental lesson here appears to be endurance.
