We all want our children to look forward to going back to school. We want them to see their friends and get back into forward scholastic progress. But for some kids, mention the word “school” and they shirk back into the shadows. For the parents of shy kids, this is a difficult time.
What is shyness anyway? According to Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci of the Shyness Research Institute (yes, that’s really a thing!) shyness has three components:
- Excessive Self-Consciousness– kids are overly aware of themselves, particularly in social situations.
- Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation– kids tend to see themselves negatively.
- Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation– kids tend to pay too much attention to all the things they are doing wrong when you are around other people.
So what can we, as parents, do to help? As usual, I did a little research and chatted with some galpals:
- Help kids identify what they are good at and emphasize that. Can they draw? Let them design the front of their school notebooks or a t-shirt so others can admire their talents.
- Get kids to make a list of what they like about themselves. Keep it on the refrigerator door to remind them.
- Help kids interact with others by giving them a list of questions to ask other kids to help keep conversation rolling.
- Marina is a huge advocate of music education. “It gives them the opportunity to express themselves differently,” she says.
- Rachel suggests preparing kids for the social situations they will encounter. “Tell your child about the others they will meet and have a pretend run-through beforehand,” she says. When they know what they will experience, at least in part, it may help them to relax.
- When they have a good social experience, write it down so they can review successes and build on them.
- For older kids entering middle or high school, remind them that EVERYONE at that age is self-conscious and insecure. Other kids are likely not judging them because they are too worried about themselves.
- Get kids involved in clubs, sports, volunteer activities. Build their self-confidence. Stacey comments, “encourage them to find as many activities as possible to put them into a greater variety of situations so they can develop coping techniques.”
- Mary-Elizabeth has a helpful hint: arrive early. “Walking into a crowd is always more intimidating than being among the first to arrive and having the crowd build around you.”
- Parents of extroverted children can help too: “Encourage your kids to step up and be a buddy to the new or quiet kids in school,” Sheila reminds us.
Everyone agrees on one thing, best stated by Melanie: “Our kids are who they are. Don’t try to change them or push them to be someone they are not.” Gentle support and lots of praise is the key.
