In true life irony, I get the information that she is gravely ill via a text message during an overnight shift. I was following the events almost in real time via text and email, and by 6.00am, I had a flight booked and was ready to go and “take care of business”.
This time, however, the “taking care of business” would be much different. I had a long flight to prepare and think things over.
On arrival, I went directly to the hospital to see her. All at once, it hit me. All those years of building up protective defense mechanisms failed me now. In an instant, I had become a regular civilian guy, visiting his moribund family member. I took a moment to process what I was seeing. I’ve had no special training to deal with my own anguish. I was doing this “on the fly”- like I have seen at work, by many, over the years
Around 24 hours after my arrival, I received the phone call at 4.23am. I knew who it was and what I had to do. Immediately, I went to the hospital to be with her to say my final goodbyes. This was to be the last time I would ever lay eyes on her. It was my turn to experience what it’s really like to say your final goodbyes. I went to the room and just sat there, watching the sun rise. Then I hugged and kissed her one final time.
Now, I was devastated. This really was the end. But, at the same time, I had made peace with the situation. Her old frame was tired, and now she could rest. She was free to fly.
I won’t try to empathize with families who have lost someone as it seems so personal. It’s not my place. I couldn’t understand how they felt as I had never been there myself. But things change and I now understand the sadness.
We all deal with loss differently, but I won’t change my approach. It’s much more personal than I thought initially. I didn’t need any nameless medic to feel compelled to share in my grief for someone that he/she didn’t know.
So, if I seem aloof, please understand that it’s out of respect for my patients and their families; that during their final gathering I will kindly and quietly slip out of the room.
By Dr. DMS
