By Heather Long Vandevoorde
“Is your kid hanging with the right crowd?”
From left to right, back row:
Chloe Depolla, Katie Allen, Sophie Hoerbe, Mia Robinson, Aadhyaa Wegle.
Left to right, front row:
Jania Vandevoorde, Alexia Suter, Lolita Vandevoorde
—
Should our children be able to choose their own friends? Of course.
Do we parents sit back and allow that to happen? No.
When children are young, parents have more control over their children’s friends because we are in charge of their time. They may see that annoying friend at school, but there is no way that you will organize a play date outside of school. Our efforts are overt and obvious. One mom describes, “My son is nine. We had a problem at school this year and I talked to the other boy’s mom. That helped with their constant fighting (yes they are friends). I took video games away until he could keep himself out of trouble. We had a lot of conversations about the choices he was making. Eventually, after not allowing them to sit next to each other, it’s worked itself out.”
When they hit middle school things begin to change. Kids develop minds, attitudes and tastes of their own. They begin to assert these loudly and we must begin to let them decide for themselves. This is where I am right now with my two daughters. I am trying to lead by example and be open about my own experiences I have had with friends. What I really mean is that I take a more undercover, covert line of authority to keep the undesired friends at bay. Having had a similar “friends” in the past, I can convey my message through stories of past experiences, real or dreamed up, to make my point.
High school is essentially the last test before you send them into the world. Control is mostly surrendered and, according to one mom, “you plan on them making good choices but then when they don’t you go crazy and smash video games and cell phones because they refuse to ‘let you come between them and their BFF’. The next thing you know, that BFF ruins their life and they are gone…huff.”
This may sound rather tongue-in-cheek but this is a serious issue. I am no expert, so I defer to the experts at the Arizona Family institute:
Here are some tips that parents can consider if they feel their kids are starting to make “the wrong kind of friends”:
- Don’t say your kids’ friends are “bad.” Instead ask kids what they like about that specific friend. Not only will this show their child that they are interested in him or her and in their friends, but it will also give the parent information about what need the relationship with that friend is fulfilling for their child.
- Tell your kid they are a good influence on the kid you do not like. This makes your kid feel like a mentor full of self-confidence.
- Finally, take initiative and hug the kid you feel is so undesirable. Maybe they need it. One never knows what that kid might be dealing with at home. You could make a difference.
