Most of us will experience a loss during our lifetime.
A variety of circumstances could be classified under this category and among them are losses caused by a move, decisions to terminate a relationship or even death. The result is the same: it hurts. The following days, months or even years can leave one feeling out of balance emotionally. And life, as one knows it, can change dramatically.
Most Predictable Responses: Basic Grief Tenets.
People are unique, and depending upon their own life history, the responses can vary. This is the beauty of humanity. We are a cultural and experiential mosaic. Usually one could expect an initial sense of shock and disbelief / denial: “I cannot believe this is happening to me.”
Anger will often follow.
To some this may be a surprise, especially if the loss was sudden and the relationship quite positive. However, in our humanness we may find our minds filled with thoughts such as “how could (he / she) leave me like this? I feel so alone.” As time elapses, anger may give way to bargaining. Bargaining is an attempt to salvage something. In illness a person may see several physicians before accepting the finality of a terminal illness. For those who have lost someone due to death or a breakup, anxiety may follow the anger. The reality of the situation is becoming very real. The loved one is really not coming back and the emptiness feels larger than life. If social supports are in place some will move on to a situational depression that is milder than its clinical depressive variant, which requires professional help.
Time, emotional support and acceptance
This is extremely helpful to the person who has experienced a loss. If you have experienced this situation first-hand, you will likely have at least one comment that you can remember that was most un-helpful. In other words, we should allow the grieving / hurting person to talk. There is nothing more helpful than a good listener and maybe a wonderful cup of coffee or tea and some treats. Create a warm and accepting environment.
At some point you will need to reintegrate. Know that this may be a strain for everyone as most are so well meaning. Consider a transitional schedule that will allow for you to come back with modified hours if possible during your first week. That is good for all. The second week should be easier for everyone. The ability to resume one’s life can be helpful in the healing process.
Humans have a tendency to avoid pain. While this is good and understandable, it can lead to total avoidance of living. If you begin to notice no improvement, or the following issues such as avoidance of friends, family, work or loss of sleep or appetite; you may want to consult with a professional. Often the sessions are brief but helpful in restoring your ‘new-normal.’
The butterfly metaphor
I often use this for women and healing. You see a very simple caterpillar eats its way into a cocoon where it will stay in complete darkness and away from distractions. During this time in the tight chamber massive changes are taking place. When women are in pain, we tend to naturally cocoon ourselves. If we use this time productively, as we step out from the pain and darkness, we can emerge beautiful and stronger like the butterfly. In closing I wish every potential butterfly a successful flight into your new life-creation.
By Cathleen Campaigne
ABOUT CATHLEEN CAMPAIGNE:
Cathleen Campaigne is a Canadian who has been a clinical social worker and practical nurse for more than 25 years, serving women and children of all ages and lifestyles.
