(INTERVIEW WITH A NON SPARKLY VAMPIRE)
The final instalment of ‘Twilight’ will release and Bella and Edward’s saga has (fortunately) come to an end. The movie marketing team have taken several polls around the world and split the fans in to Team Edward, Team Jacob, Team Bella and Team ‘I don’t really care at all’. But no one seems to have taken the opinion of the real stakeholders of the movie, the real vampires themselves. So, intrepid reporter (yours truly) headed on down to the nearest vampire bar “The Blooood Inn” to interview one of the true un-dead.
Intrepid Reporter (IR): How do you feel now that the Twilight saga has come to an end?
Non Sparkly Vampire (NSV): Oh, I believe that I speak for the entire community when I say that we’re grateful!!
IR: Grateful?? Why so?
NSV: Of course! We all had a good chuckle when the Anne Rice books were brought to the big screen but Twilight? We’ve lost all our street cred!! Even the zombies make fun of us now. Over the course of the last three movies 50% of our population have committed ritualistic suicide. I have no clue how many of us will survive the last one.
IR: But what’s so bad about a tale of innocent, non materialistic and pure love?
NSV: Innocent? Non materialistic? Dude the hero’s good looking, rich and brings immortality to the table! But, puh-lease he’s on the top of every gold diggers list!!
IR: What about the whole concept of breaking social norms and boundaries?
NSV: Why don’t you go out on a date with a ham sandwich and see how it goes? Sooner or later your going to realise the situation smells funny!!
IR: What was your first thought when you heard about the movie?
NSV: To be honest, I thought it was going to be a comedy, not a love story!!!
IR: Last question; is there any chance I’m leaving this interview alive?
NSV: Not a chance, dinner!!
With this I politely informed him that ‘True Blood’ had been renewed for another season, Stephenie Meyer was working on a new vampire romance novel and a new serial based on the vampire academy books had been green lit by HBO. The shock was too much for our Non Sparkly Vampire that he promptly put a wooden stake through his heart declaring his love for our (male) bartender with his final breath. What a douchebag
By Rohith Bhat
